I realize I am the worst blogger in the world. I get it. And I
apologize. I can give you a million reasons why it doesn't happen. But I
hope that for some it is a place to come and realize you aren't the
only one. And with that I begin my story about the space ship that will
never be.
So the twins birthday's are coming up.
Audrina with be 2 in just a few short weeks. January is one of the
hardest months for me over and over again. I try to be that strong mom. I
try to be that strong woman that everyone sees on the outside, be in
reality, I cry... a lot. I cry for what could have been. I cry for the
future and what I have to explain to my children. .. I cry for every
time someone asks me how many kids I have and I wonder how I should
answer.
In the past I would talk about the "twins" when
january came around but I quickly realized how uncomfortable people
felt when they pursued it further and I had to talk about the miracle
that Adrian was. I am beginning to realize that it is easier for others
to pretend he never happened, especially since we were blessed with
Audrina. Until I realized that my son misses him just as much as we do..
"Maybe dad can build a space ship."
So
a few days ago I picked up the kids from daycare and it was like every
other ride home. Audrina yelled at Amden, Amden yelled at her, we would
have a few miles of awesomeness, and it would all start over..
Then
out of nowhere Amden said "mom, I really wish I could give brother a
hug. I've never been able to give him a hug and I would really like
to..." There it was... the realization that he misses the brother he
never had... A brother he thought would be coming home, but doesn't
truly understand why he didn't.... Caught in surprise, all I could say
was "Me too honey...".
Normally with Amden that would be enough. But not this time... This time he wanted to go further.
"Mom,
maybe we could build a space ship. Then we could go to the stars and
give him a hug." I fought back tears as I tried to explain to him that,
although we would all love to do that, it's probably not something we
could do. .. "Well, maybe we should ask dad... I bet HE could build us a
space ship."
How do you tello a 4 year old that even
daddy, someone he looks up to, won't be able to build us a space ship to
go and give his brother a hug?
If you have the answer to this I will give you the world...
