Summer Begins!

Wow- I am quite the slacker. I am sorry that I haven't been updating this more often! Life is crazy but really- when is it not? haha

Been back at work now for 2 months. I was really worried about the stores they gave me but it has ended up being a blessing in disguise! I really enjoy my visits and they are doing well. I really have to step outside my box and be more aggressive than I am used to but when I do, great things happen!

I am finishing up my second class this semester, and then I will have 2 left plus my capstone before I will be awarded my MBA. If I push really hard, I can be done by the end of September of this year. That would be one full semester early. I honestly am not sure what I would do with all the extra time!! Maybe clean the house? haha I have even gone as far as to find out what it would take to get an additional bachelors degree in marketing or accounting. Have I completely lost my mind?!  I have been going to school now since 2006 without a break. Certainly I should be more than ready to stop right? But it's only 4 more classes and a capstone, to get a degree that is more specialized. An MBA is so broad, I worry I won't be able to find a job since it's not very specific. My thought is that if I were to get an additional BS degree in either accounting or marketing, it would make me more enticing to employers. Not that I plan to leave Verizon any time soon- just want to keep my options open.

Audrina is getting SOOO big. And I am not just saying that! She is in the upper 90% for both height and weight. Apparently I have giant children that grow like weeds haha. She was over 15 pounds at her 4 month check up and 25.5 inches long.  Goodness gracious! Not bad when she started at 7 pounds and 20 inches. Haha She can already roll over and is quite the talker. Amden never talked much as a baby but not we can't get him to be quiet. Maybe she will be a quiet toddler (we can only hope haha) She has been sleeping through the night since about 8 weeks which is very helpful with my crazy schedule. Oh and her brown hair- ya it's mostly blonde now.  Looks like we are going to have another blonde hair, blue eyed child on our hands.

We have a trip planned in July to go and visit my family. I am renting a cabana at the pool at our hotel so we can lounge by the pool and keep the kids in the shade. They are even going to move stuff around to accommodate our pack and play. I am finishing up my round of HCG in the next couple days. I have lost 32 pounds so far and I am hopping to lose another 3.6 in the next couple days for a total of 35.6 pounds this round. I am taking a break and then will do my final round in August which will hopefully put me at my goal weight and healthy BMI.

Amden is fully potty trained and has been for several weeks now! He occasionally has an accident at night, but he hasn't had an accident during the day for weeks! We are very proud of him! He can sing his abc's and is even counting past 10 now! We are starting swim lessons in a couple weeks, and he is very excited. We are also growing a garden with peas, carrots, peppers and tomatoes (I think haha).  Hard to believe he is going to be 3 in October! He is so big that we sometimes forget he is only 2- until he acts like he is 2 if ya know what I mean haha

I go to visit Adrian twice a week to decorate his space and then to clean it up so they can mow. I have bought him a bunch of decorations to make his space special. Pin wheels, stuffed animals and angel statues. Grandma Renae also stops by and leaves him little gifts which I am sure he enjoys! We have finally put the order in for his marker. I just have to go pick out the shade of blue I want to use. I am really happy with what we came up with and so glad I found this company to do the custom work for us! They are going to change the little girl non the moon to a boy and of course fix the misspelled word but overall it's perfect! We walked in Running With The Angels in his memory and it was so awesome that so many of my friends, family and even coworkers came to support. It was a beautiful day and a beautiful walk!

Well that is what we are up to these days. Of course I will say that I will try to be better about keeping this updated but we all know how well I keep that promise! hahah

Back To Work

So last week I made it back to work. A lot has changed since I left in October and it may take me a little while to get back into the swing of things. Luckily lil' miss Audrina has started sleeping about 10-11 hours straight at night!! I like to believe she knew her momma was going back to work and thought I could use the extra sleep. Ha Ha Ha

Yesterday was Easter. This was our first big holiday as a bigger family. We spent the night Saturday at KC's mom's house and she hid easter eggs for Amden in the backyard. We colored eggs saturday and enjoyed mimosas in the morning. Chantel and Dustin even came to help us celebrate which was awesome. It was also the first time we took Amden to visit with brother Adrian. I know that he is still not quite sure about everything, in fact he is quite confused, but I think it is important to keep Adrian as part of our family and just answer Amden's questions as best we can. To be honest, he was more interested in trying to take stuff off all the graves then he was in visiting with brother. HAH He did leave Adrian a couple easter eggs though. :)

I was able to get caught up in school during my last few weeks off of work! It was quite the accomplishment. We really didn't think I would be able to finish my financial analysis class in time. It litterally came down to the last 3 days of the semester! I am happy to say I finished and passed my final assignment which was over 20 pages long and over 10,000 words! Unfortunately this semester is not looking any easier. Luckily I only have 4 classes and my capstone left! By April 2013 I should be completely done with my MBA. That is just 2 more semesters.

Amden is about 98% potty trained!! He still has an occasional accident but for the most part he is good to go! We haven't had a wet bed in over a week!!! Pooping is the part we are still struggling with but even with that he is about 85%. Between having him potty trained and Audrina sleeping through the night (at 9 weeks nonetheless), I am feeling pretty spoiled these days!

Last week we started physical therapy with Audrina. Since she was so squished for so long, she has a particular way she likes to hold her head. This is causing her skull to not shape itself correctly and was causing some issues with her vision. They think she should be good to go in 3-4 months and we may avoid having to use a helmet hahah. Poor little girl. Good thing she is cute!

Well I think that catches you up on all the craziness around here! I started my 1st round of HCG on saturday. I am going to be doing two 40 shot round (about 47 days each) and plan to be at my goal weight by my birthday in September. Wish me luck!

Funny things Amden has said recently:

"Hey Amden, those are some cool boots." Amden kicks the counter to make them light up and says "Ya.. Ya like that?" hahah

"My bum is full of poop and my penis is full of pee."  Thanks for sharing Amden.

"I have a penis, Daddy has a penis. Do you have a penis, does sister have a penis?"

At the zoo- "Hey birds.. I have a sister!"

"Mom you has a big bum" Why thank you dear son. You are lucky I love you haha

It's ok to be sad..

 This has been the subject of conversation a few times since the birth of the babies.  It seems as if the world has forgotten that it is ok to be sad.  Everyone is so afraid to have feelings any more and they quickly jump to whatever drugs might help them to be "happy" again. They have forgotten that in order to learn lessons from life, to become a better person, we have to feel whatever those lessons are  trying to teach us.  Of course there is the extreme and that should be dealt with, but if we don't allow ourselves to grieve and be sad, are we ever able to move on and appreciate the lesson?

Many ask me how I am doing and of course I respond with ok, great, good etc and honestly, for the most part that is the truth.  I of course have my moments where I am sad, hell, I even cry occasionally (crazy I know) but everyone needs to remember that I have been grieving for Adrian for a long time. The grieving process started the day I found out he was sick and continues today. I have come to accept his passing and have even come to understand that it was for his best interest, but I never stop myself from feeling sad if that is what fits in the moment.  Truth is I lost a child, a son, a little brother and a twin. This is a hard thing to go through for any parent but that doesn't mean I need intervention in order to move on. Drugs only prolong the sadness. Eventually you have to come off the high and the reality will still be there. Instead I embrace my loss, my sadness and my son and together we move on to whatever the next steps are. I talk about him with those that want to hear about him (and sometimes those that don't lol silly alcohol) and I know that it is OK to not be sad all the time. Finding happiness after a loss doesn't mean you have forgotten them, or that you have even moved on. To me it means you have found the new "normal" and have embraced whatever that means.

Now- on to the exciting fun things that have been going on in the life of the meats (ha ha ah)

  Last weekend we went and visited family in Vegas. We brought our camera to take pictures since it was the first time the whole family had been together in YEARS, and we didn't take a single picture.  One thing you will learn quickly about KC and me is that we SUCK at taking pictures. If it weren't for the professional photos I make us get every few months, we wouldn't have a single one!  It's awful, I know. But we did have a blast seeing everyone and even had a chance to get out on the town thanks to my wonderful and amazing uncle Ricky and my mother who both watched the kids one night each so that KC and I could get out and enjoy ourselves. It was very much needed and I felt much better starting this week after getting a chance to let loose!

Audrina got her newborn photos done and we also took some as a family. I haven't had a chance to scan them in yet but I will post them up once I do. They turned out really cute and I am looking forward to getting our pictures done every 3 months so we can document the first year of her life.  We have been able to transition her to a bottle which has made all our lives easier and her a happier baby.  I always fight it in the beginning and then kick myself for not doing it sooner when I see how much happier my babies are once I switch.  I give her part milk and part formula and in a few weeks I will be transitioning her to full formula. I am doing this for a few reasons that I have thought over very hard. This pregnancy was very hard on me, mentally and physically. It did things to my body that I don't think I will ever be able to fix without surgery and don't get me started on the mental issues lol. I need to get back to myself. I know that breast milk is best for baby but it just isn't working out for us and it is keeping me from being able to make the final transition back that I need to do for myself. As a mother you do have to make sacrifices- believe me I know, and had this pregnancy gone differently we may not even be having this discussion. But in order for me to truly start feeling 100% again, I need to make the switch to formula so that I can start working on me again.  (There is no need to tell me the benefits etc and how horrible of a mom I am for not breast feeding as it won't change my mind. I already feel guilty and we as a family have decided that it is still the right decision for us)

 Audrina is getting HUGE! I swear she already weighs over 10 pounds and has probably grown several inches since she was born. None of her newborn clothes fit and she is quickly growing into the 0-3 month size (she will be 6 weeks on Monday). So far she has been about the complete opposite of her brother in almost every way but we are learning quickly and adapting to her differences. We are working on sleep training right now and have almost got her naps down. We are struggling with her 5pm nap and 8pm bed time but I think we will have the kinks worked out in a few days. I usually give her a night bottle at 9:45pm and right now she is going as long as 4.5-5 hours until she wants her next night feed! This means we may be on our way to getting rid of that middle of the night feed which makes mommy very happy! I would love to be rid of it before I go back to work.
 Speaking of work- I have decided to go back to work earlier than originally planned. Although I have enough vacation time to stay home till the end of April, I have decided to go back April 1st. Again this has to do with getting ME back and frankly- I miss the adult interaction. lol Plus that is when the new school semester starts as well as the start of the quarter. All new beginnings and just seems like the right time to go back.

 Let's see.... what else... Ah yes- My wonderful and loving son informed me the other day that I have a big bum. Yup, you read that right. A big bum. He is only 2 and I am already having to deal with his honest observations. I had hoped we wouldn't have to worry about it just yet but he is really too smart for his own good. He is at the age where he likes to annoy the hell out of his parents and KC is trying really hard to handle it gracefully. It is very hard for KC when Amden asks him over and over stuff he knows the answer to (DAD, what's this?) and I am surprised he hasn't broken down yet. He has done very well so far and I am actually pretty impressed. I know that it will only get worse from here but KC is new to all this kid stuff. It's fun to watch him experience all this for the first time. See- I am 5 and 7 years older than my sister and brother so I was old enough to experience them being young. KC and his sister are only 2 years apart so this is all brand new to him. And Amden is truly a text book 2 year old. I must say we are really enjoying this age though. I love when he comes up and asks me if I want to play with him and his toys and I love that he carries all his favorite toys around in his backpack. I love catching him talking to his toys when he doesn't know I am looking and I even love it when he catches me off guard by saying things he really shouldn't be saying.

Now that things are getting back to normal and Audrina is almost on a schedule, life is pretty dang good. I will tell you this- I am DONE having kids and should I ever forget that, please kindly tell me to think back to when we first brought Audrina home and how "great" it was so that I will remember why I never plan to have kids again lol 2 is plenty!

Life After...

 So sorry for such a long time between posts. We have been adjusting into our new life post pregnancy and needless to say things have been a little hectic.
  For those that don't know, I delivered the babies on January 23rd. I woke up at about 1am with really intense contractions and tried taking a bath to see I could get them to calm a bit. The bath truly did nothing to help with the pain, so about 30 minutes later I woke Casey to call his mom so we could head to the hospital. At first he couldn't get a hold of them and I just about drove myself haha (I was HURTING!!!) She finally called us back and we got to the hospital just before 3:00am. I was already 5cm and contractions were about 2 minutes apart. I really had an amazing group of nurses and doctors helping me. They got the anesthesiologist to come in and give me my epidural. Since the contractions were so close together, he gave me a fast acting one and it was amazing!! I could still move my feet (that was the one thing I HATED when I delivered Amden) and it wore off very quickly after I delivered. Just before 5:00am I had already reached 10cm and was ready to push. At 5:06am and 2 contractions later and Audrina was here! She did have meconium in her water so the NICU staff was there to ensure she was alright and she scored an 8/9 on her APGAR test. She was a whopping 7 pounds and 20.2 inches long. Not bad for being almost 3 weeks early. Adrian was born about 15 minutes later weighing under 3 pounds. Unfortunately due to the time that had passed the nurse kindly suggested that I choose not to see him. Although I know this was the right decision, I think it is by far one of the hardest things I will have to get through. By choosing to carry him to term I had really hoped for the opportunity to hold him and love him but unfortunately that just wasn't going to be the case.
There was some confusion during everything and the NILMDTS photographers were not called to come in and take pictures of his hands and feet but the hospital attempted to take some and sent them to her so that she can edit them for me.  I am really hoping she can make them beautiful for me, since the one photo we got from them was sort of blurry and not the best. I eventually plan to get a tattoo of his feet in remembrance, if we get one that will work. The hospital did get some awesome molds of his hands and feet for me which is comforting. I look forward to being able to enjoy them in the future. Right now it's still too tough.

  Audrina is a handful to say the least. She needs to be constantly held and will not sleep in her bassinet, crib or on the couch. I have quickly been reminded why I am not a fan of breastfeeding, but will continue to do it for now, lol. I am hoping we are just dealing with a growth spurt and soon will be through the constant feedings. I may resort to sleeping on the couch for a few days till we get through this phase. I know the last few nights have been rough on both me and KC and I need him rested so that he can tend to her when he gets home from work so I can have a break lol. She had her two week checkup on monday and was already up to 7.5 pounds. That is a TON of weight. She had dropped to 6.4pounds just a week prior so she is definitely getting plenty of food haha. She had also grown almost half an inch since birth. Right now she is in the 25% for her weight and 64% for her height. Maybe she will be tall and skinny like her dad.

I went and visited Adrian yesterday. I cleaned up the flowers from his memorial service and placed some new flowers, along with a balloon and a small crystal teddy bear for valentines day. I am also working with a local company on having his gravestone custom ordered in a star theme- hoping it won't cost THAT much but I know that is probably wishful thinking.

Well now that I have written you a novel of an update I will let you go. I will try and be better about posting pictures and updates from here on out!

36 Weeks..

For so long we never thought I would make it this far. We planned and expected to have babies by now. This just seems to be how my life is going these days as no matter what I do, I cannot seem to get the babies here. People all around me are going into labor and getting the opportunity to meet their lil ones, and I am instead sitting here very pregnant and still waiting. To make matters worse I am having pretty much constant contractions and odd pains but as of my appointment on Thursday I am only 3.5cm. I feel like a walking time bomb... one that COULD go off at any moment, but probably won't and will have to be detonated by the bomb squad.

People keep asking how I am doing. Well that is quite the loaded question. Most days I feel ok but I must say that right now I am truly living my nightmare. They won't induce me until I am 38 weeks and because of scheduling conflicts  that means the earliest they will do the induction is January 31st. Yesterday I joked with KC that I may as well wait and pick a cool date since I am already going to be waiting so long. Maybe 02-02-12. Something easy for everyone to remember lol. What's another couple days right?  It's hard because we truly have everything done and we are just waiting.... impatiently. And the more doctors appointments I have, the more I grow to hate this whole situation. On thursday at my NST they had some visiting nurses from Cedar City. They do their own NSTs but don't use the ultrasound machines, so they were here training. Apparently my file did not state that Adrian had passed away and when I walked back to the room I was bombarded with "OH Twins, so exciting!" "We have been waiting all day to learn how to do ultrasound twins!" and other various remarks. It was really, really hard on me to have to explain to them that they wouldn't be learning about twins from me and that my son had passed away. Then for whatever reason they decided it would still be a good idea to go through the process as if they were doing twins just so the ladies could see, all while commenting on how sad the situation is and how hard it must be for me. REALLY?!?!? You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Have I ever mentioned how much I dislike this Maternal Fetal Medicine office? I keep telling myself I just have 4 more appointments with them and then I am done. BREATHE.

I am very grateful that my OB has made specific notes on my account and file that the front desk ladies are not to ask or talk about my twins and that they typically try to get me right back into the office as soon as I show up, even if it means waiting for a while in a room. That way I am not sitting around all the other pregnant and newly delivered moms while I wait. Eventually I am sure it won't be an issue but right now it's still hard. Especially when I get asked how much longer, what are you having etc by those waiting. I have being going with "Any day now" as my answer since it's much easier to deal with. Right now I am doing what I can to just "survive" the remaining days of my pregnancy. These will certainly be the longest 2.5 weeks of my life. Apparently Audrina is already quite the diva and refuses to come when asked. lol So I have given up on trying to induce labor myself as I have come to the conclusion that all these wives tales are doing are making me fat, tired and stressed out. Hahah

I had to go through and wash all of Audrina's newborn clothes as it now appears she will not fit in any of her preemie stuff that I rushed out to buy when we thought they were coming early. KC's mom suggested saving the clothes for her to use on her dolls when she gets older so I think we will do that. At my last ultrasound she was weighing well over 5 pounds and I am thinking she will be close to Amden's birth weight when she finally gets here which was well over 7 pounds. I have finished a little more of her crib mobile and now just need to finish sewing 2 reds stars and the stuff I need to sew by hand and it will be done. All in all the nursery turned out wonderfully. I'll post a few pictures below for those not on my facebook. We still need to hang up Adrian and Audrina's names by the windows and add a few more stars in a couple places but really it came together nicely. Now if I could just have a baby to put in there please! haha

Amden is getting really excited to meet the babies. He has started asking me when they are coming out. haha I know he has no idea what he is in for so I'm sure it won't last long after they are born, but for now it certainly is cute. Any time I buy something for Audrina I make sure to get him a "surprise" as well so he doesn't feel left out. This seems to be working so far. He is growing up so fast and just becoming such a smart little man. He talks in full sentences, although sometimes he uses the wrong word (ie I are instead of I Am) but it's amazing to see how quickly he is catching on to things. I am hoping that once the babies are delivered and things settle down, we will be able to focus more on potty training and get him out of those diapers! Then he can be moved to the bigger kid room. I get nervous with him around the 1.5-2 year olds as he is much further along than them and he tends to regress sometimes to their behavior.

Well that is all I have to update for now. Oh I did take a small break from school but I think I will get back on track starting next week. I really need to get this Financial Analysis class done. Then I will be done for this semester, which would give me a couple months after the twins are born to not worry about school. I won't be finishing my degree as quickly as I had thought but I really needed to take some time off while things got a little crazy around here. I think I am ready to focus again and get back on track now.

Thanks for everyone's support, love, thoughts and prayers over these last couple weeks. We really do appreciate it!

Goodbye sweet angel..

I went in today for one of my biweekly non stress tests and they were unable to find Adrian's heartbeat. At first she thought she found him, but unfortunately they were just picking up Audrina's heartbeat twice. They sent me back to the larger machine and confirmed that our lil Adrian had lost his battle with Trisomy 18.

You want to believe that knowing this was eventually going to happen would make it all a little easier, but  it doesn't. There is always a part of you that hopes that they had been wrong this whole time, and your lil one would be born perfectly healthy and happy. This is the way of a parent I suppose. I do feel blessed that Audrina is doing just fine and growing like a weed. Many parents go through this  pregnant with only one child, and I do feel blessed that we have Audrina to look forward to. Does it make it any easier? Unfortunately not, but I do find strength knowing that lil Adrian never had to suffer and Audrina will forever have someone looking out for her. I can now truly grieve for Adrian and I now know what the future holds for him. No longer is there the uncertainty that we had before, and part of me is grateful for that. I will forever miss him but now I can move towards the closure I have been longing for for the last 10 months. It won't be easy but I have faith that I did all I could for Adrian and in return, he stayed long enough to ensure the safe delivery of his sister.

Fly high little angel. Mommy loves you.