This has been the subject of conversation a few times since the birth of the babies. It seems as if the world has forgotten that it is ok to be sad. Everyone is so afraid to have feelings any more and they quickly jump to whatever drugs might help them to be "happy" again. They have forgotten that in order to learn lessons from life, to become a better person, we have to feel whatever those lessons are trying to teach us. Of course there is the extreme and that should be dealt with, but if we don't allow ourselves to grieve and be sad, are we ever able to move on and appreciate the lesson?
Many ask me how I am doing and of course I respond with ok, great, good etc and honestly, for the most part that is the truth. I of course have my moments where I am sad, hell, I even cry occasionally (crazy I know) but everyone needs to remember that I have been grieving for Adrian for a long time. The grieving process started the day I found out he was sick and continues today. I have come to accept his passing and have even come to understand that it was for his best interest, but I never stop myself from feeling sad if that is what fits in the moment. Truth is I lost a child, a son, a little brother and a twin. This is a hard thing to go through for any parent but that doesn't mean I need intervention in order to move on. Drugs only prolong the sadness. Eventually you have to come off the high and the reality will still be there. Instead I embrace my loss, my sadness and my son and together we move on to whatever the next steps are. I talk about him with those that want to hear about him (and sometimes those that don't lol silly alcohol) and I know that it is OK to not be sad all the time. Finding happiness after a loss doesn't mean you have forgotten them, or that you have even moved on. To me it means you have found the new "normal" and have embraced whatever that means.
Now- on to the exciting fun things that have been going on in the life of the meats (ha ha ah)
Last weekend we went and visited family in Vegas. We brought our camera to take pictures since it was the first time the whole family had been together in YEARS, and we didn't take a single picture. One thing you will learn quickly about KC and me is that we SUCK at taking pictures. If it weren't for the professional photos I make us get every few months, we wouldn't have a single one! It's awful, I know. But we did have a blast seeing everyone and even had a chance to get out on the town thanks to my wonderful and amazing uncle Ricky and my mother who both watched the kids one night each so that KC and I could get out and enjoy ourselves. It was very much needed and I felt much better starting this week after getting a chance to let loose!
Audrina got her newborn photos done and we also took some as a family. I haven't had a chance to scan them in yet but I will post them up once I do. They turned out really cute and I am looking forward to getting our pictures done every 3 months so we can document the first year of her life. We have been able to transition her to a bottle which has made all our lives easier and her a happier baby. I always fight it in the beginning and then kick myself for not doing it sooner when I see how much happier my babies are once I switch. I give her part milk and part formula and in a few weeks I will be transitioning her to full formula. I am doing this for a few reasons that I have thought over very hard. This pregnancy was very hard on me, mentally and physically. It did things to my body that I don't think I will ever be able to fix without surgery and don't get me started on the mental issues lol. I need to get back to myself. I know that breast milk is best for baby but it just isn't working out for us and it is keeping me from being able to make the final transition back that I need to do for myself. As a mother you do have to make sacrifices- believe me I know, and had this pregnancy gone differently we may not even be having this discussion. But in order for me to truly start feeling 100% again, I need to make the switch to formula so that I can start working on me again. (There is no need to tell me the benefits etc and how horrible of a mom I am for not breast feeding as it won't change my mind. I already feel guilty and we as a family have decided that it is still the right decision for us)
Audrina is getting HUGE! I swear she already weighs over 10 pounds and has probably grown several inches since she was born. None of her newborn clothes fit and she is quickly growing into the 0-3 month size (she will be 6 weeks on Monday). So far she has been about the complete opposite of her brother in almost every way but we are learning quickly and adapting to her differences. We are working on sleep training right now and have almost got her naps down. We are struggling with her 5pm nap and 8pm bed time but I think we will have the kinks worked out in a few days. I usually give her a night bottle at 9:45pm and right now she is going as long as 4.5-5 hours until she wants her next night feed! This means we may be on our way to getting rid of that middle of the night feed which makes mommy very happy! I would love to be rid of it before I go back to work.
Speaking of work- I have decided to go back to work earlier than originally planned. Although I have enough vacation time to stay home till the end of April, I have decided to go back April 1st. Again this has to do with getting ME back and frankly- I miss the adult interaction. lol Plus that is when the new school semester starts as well as the start of the quarter. All new beginnings and just seems like the right time to go back.
Let's see.... what else... Ah yes- My wonderful and loving son informed me the other day that I have a big bum. Yup, you read that right. A big bum. He is only 2 and I am already having to deal with his honest observations. I had hoped we wouldn't have to worry about it just yet but he is really too smart for his own good. He is at the age where he likes to annoy the hell out of his parents and KC is trying really hard to handle it gracefully. It is very hard for KC when Amden asks him over and over stuff he knows the answer to (DAD, what's this?) and I am surprised he hasn't broken down yet. He has done very well so far and I am actually pretty impressed. I know that it will only get worse from here but KC is new to all this kid stuff. It's fun to watch him experience all this for the first time. See- I am 5 and 7 years older than my sister and brother so I was old enough to experience them being young. KC and his sister are only 2 years apart so this is all brand new to him. And Amden is truly a text book 2 year old. I must say we are really enjoying this age though. I love when he comes up and asks me if I want to play with him and his toys and I love that he carries all his favorite toys around in his backpack. I love catching him talking to his toys when he doesn't know I am looking and I even love it when he catches me off guard by saying things he really shouldn't be saying.
Now that things are getting back to normal and Audrina is almost on a schedule, life is pretty dang good. I will tell you this- I am DONE having kids and should I ever forget that, please kindly tell me to think back to when we first brought Audrina home and how "great" it was so that I will remember why I never plan to have kids again lol 2 is plenty!
