36 Weeks..

For so long we never thought I would make it this far. We planned and expected to have babies by now. This just seems to be how my life is going these days as no matter what I do, I cannot seem to get the babies here. People all around me are going into labor and getting the opportunity to meet their lil ones, and I am instead sitting here very pregnant and still waiting. To make matters worse I am having pretty much constant contractions and odd pains but as of my appointment on Thursday I am only 3.5cm. I feel like a walking time bomb... one that COULD go off at any moment, but probably won't and will have to be detonated by the bomb squad.

People keep asking how I am doing. Well that is quite the loaded question. Most days I feel ok but I must say that right now I am truly living my nightmare. They won't induce me until I am 38 weeks and because of scheduling conflicts  that means the earliest they will do the induction is January 31st. Yesterday I joked with KC that I may as well wait and pick a cool date since I am already going to be waiting so long. Maybe 02-02-12. Something easy for everyone to remember lol. What's another couple days right?  It's hard because we truly have everything done and we are just waiting.... impatiently. And the more doctors appointments I have, the more I grow to hate this whole situation. On thursday at my NST they had some visiting nurses from Cedar City. They do their own NSTs but don't use the ultrasound machines, so they were here training. Apparently my file did not state that Adrian had passed away and when I walked back to the room I was bombarded with "OH Twins, so exciting!" "We have been waiting all day to learn how to do ultrasound twins!" and other various remarks. It was really, really hard on me to have to explain to them that they wouldn't be learning about twins from me and that my son had passed away. Then for whatever reason they decided it would still be a good idea to go through the process as if they were doing twins just so the ladies could see, all while commenting on how sad the situation is and how hard it must be for me. REALLY?!?!? You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Have I ever mentioned how much I dislike this Maternal Fetal Medicine office? I keep telling myself I just have 4 more appointments with them and then I am done. BREATHE.

I am very grateful that my OB has made specific notes on my account and file that the front desk ladies are not to ask or talk about my twins and that they typically try to get me right back into the office as soon as I show up, even if it means waiting for a while in a room. That way I am not sitting around all the other pregnant and newly delivered moms while I wait. Eventually I am sure it won't be an issue but right now it's still hard. Especially when I get asked how much longer, what are you having etc by those waiting. I have being going with "Any day now" as my answer since it's much easier to deal with. Right now I am doing what I can to just "survive" the remaining days of my pregnancy. These will certainly be the longest 2.5 weeks of my life. Apparently Audrina is already quite the diva and refuses to come when asked. lol So I have given up on trying to induce labor myself as I have come to the conclusion that all these wives tales are doing are making me fat, tired and stressed out. Hahah

I had to go through and wash all of Audrina's newborn clothes as it now appears she will not fit in any of her preemie stuff that I rushed out to buy when we thought they were coming early. KC's mom suggested saving the clothes for her to use on her dolls when she gets older so I think we will do that. At my last ultrasound she was weighing well over 5 pounds and I am thinking she will be close to Amden's birth weight when she finally gets here which was well over 7 pounds. I have finished a little more of her crib mobile and now just need to finish sewing 2 reds stars and the stuff I need to sew by hand and it will be done. All in all the nursery turned out wonderfully. I'll post a few pictures below for those not on my facebook. We still need to hang up Adrian and Audrina's names by the windows and add a few more stars in a couple places but really it came together nicely. Now if I could just have a baby to put in there please! haha

Amden is getting really excited to meet the babies. He has started asking me when they are coming out. haha I know he has no idea what he is in for so I'm sure it won't last long after they are born, but for now it certainly is cute. Any time I buy something for Audrina I make sure to get him a "surprise" as well so he doesn't feel left out. This seems to be working so far. He is growing up so fast and just becoming such a smart little man. He talks in full sentences, although sometimes he uses the wrong word (ie I are instead of I Am) but it's amazing to see how quickly he is catching on to things. I am hoping that once the babies are delivered and things settle down, we will be able to focus more on potty training and get him out of those diapers! Then he can be moved to the bigger kid room. I get nervous with him around the 1.5-2 year olds as he is much further along than them and he tends to regress sometimes to their behavior.

Well that is all I have to update for now. Oh I did take a small break from school but I think I will get back on track starting next week. I really need to get this Financial Analysis class done. Then I will be done for this semester, which would give me a couple months after the twins are born to not worry about school. I won't be finishing my degree as quickly as I had thought but I really needed to take some time off while things got a little crazy around here. I think I am ready to focus again and get back on track now.

Thanks for everyone's support, love, thoughts and prayers over these last couple weeks. We really do appreciate it!

Goodbye sweet angel..

I went in today for one of my biweekly non stress tests and they were unable to find Adrian's heartbeat. At first she thought she found him, but unfortunately they were just picking up Audrina's heartbeat twice. They sent me back to the larger machine and confirmed that our lil Adrian had lost his battle with Trisomy 18.

You want to believe that knowing this was eventually going to happen would make it all a little easier, but  it doesn't. There is always a part of you that hopes that they had been wrong this whole time, and your lil one would be born perfectly healthy and happy. This is the way of a parent I suppose. I do feel blessed that Audrina is doing just fine and growing like a weed. Many parents go through this  pregnant with only one child, and I do feel blessed that we have Audrina to look forward to. Does it make it any easier? Unfortunately not, but I do find strength knowing that lil Adrian never had to suffer and Audrina will forever have someone looking out for her. I can now truly grieve for Adrian and I now know what the future holds for him. No longer is there the uncertainty that we had before, and part of me is grateful for that. I will forever miss him but now I can move towards the closure I have been longing for for the last 10 months. It won't be easy but I have faith that I did all I could for Adrian and in return, he stayed long enough to ensure the safe delivery of his sister.

Fly high little angel. Mommy loves you.