It's been a while since I have blogged and I apologize up front. Sometimes life just gets in the way. After Adrian passed away, I was caught up in a wind storm of change. Work went from amazing to... well let's just say I am struggling.
Going back to work, I was given stores no one else wanted. I took it with stride and ran with it... and I did AMAZING! So amazing in fact, that KC and I were blessed with the opportunity to go on an all expense paid cruise to the Caribbean! No kids, no work (kind of)... Just KC and I together again. I feel blessed for that opportunity, and it was so nice to be able to reconnect with my husband- especially after a year of sadness and strength testing. And the trip was not without it's own trials, but we had an amazing time none-the-less. My numbers caught up to me this year, and I am having to work much harder to try and reach the lofty goals that have been set. They have changed the entire way our department is set up (a reorganization they call it) but I am happy to be able to say I still have a job. In fact, I love my new boss and I have high hopes for the outcome of these changes. It won't be an easy year, but all is fair in the life of sales.
Audrina turned 1 in January. She is quite the spit fire. She has a temperament that is nothing like her earthly brother Amden. While he was always quite independent and quiet, she has a way of making sure everyone knows she is here. Amden has always been ahead of the curve, walking, talking, and leading everyone to believe he is much older than he is. Audrina, on the other hand, loves to have others cater to her every need. LOL! When she is done eating, she makes it known by throwing her food and drink on the floor, only to request that we pick it up for her right away. The other day I dropped her off at school and left her in her class room, standing with her drink in her hand, and proceeded to take Amden to class. On my way out I looked in on her and found that she was slowly walking towards a baby in a stroller. The minute she realized I was watching she stopped. I always knew she could walk if she wanted to, but she wouldn't do it in front of me. hahah Once I was out of site, she started walking again. It's easy to see she is going to be quite the handful as she continues to grow into herself.
We are working to put our house up for sell. We are hoping to be able to at least break even, but will still have to come to the table with cash for the closing costs. This is more than we were expecting but we would rather get out from this house now, and be able to watch the market rise on a home we are happy with. This may mean moving into temporary housing till we find the perfect house. This I am sure will not be an easy transition, but once it is over, I am sure we will all be much happier. We need more space and something more permanent.
I still visit Adrian as much as I can find time. I clean his space and leave him decorations and trinkets. It makes me quite sad when I don't make it back in time to clean up before they throw everything away. I try to acquire items for him and his space, but it never fails that I miss the deadline and they throw everything away forcing me to start over. :( There are days like today where I feel sad for no reason. Maybe it's from seeing Audrina progress to taking 5-6 steps instead of 3-4. Maybe it's from seeing my children spend time with my Uncle and knowing there is one that will never get that chance. Maybe it's just from pure exhaustion of working 6o hours and still not feeling 100% from surgery... Either way I still have days where I am sad, or mad, or angry, and I have no answer as to why. I can only look up to the sky and blow kisses to my star child and let him know that he has not been forgotten.
I think that as a mother of a child that was lost before birth, there is always going to be that sadness that cannot be spoken of. The pain that will be suffered in silence. No one else can truly understand what you are going through, and don't understand how to even begin to acknowledge it. So quickly many forget of the child that is not here.. Not because they mean to and it is never done in vain... but when you aren't the one that carried the child (regardless of how long), it's hard to understand what is like on the other side.
I would love to say that it gets easier over time.. that the pain fades and life moves on. In reality I do have days that ride on the side of high, and life seems really great. However there is always a day, that creeps in out of the blue for no reason, with no prompting, no warning, that reminds you of the sadness you hold in your heart. It pulls at you and drags you down. But I will only let it take me so far. I truly believe that my journey has a purpose. I have been blessed to talk to people all over the world who have found some strength reading my blog and our story. People who have found answers that I did not have, or even just felt that they weren't alone because I posted my journey with Adrian.
I know that there is more to my journey than what we have walked so far, and there is a reason I was chosen to walk this path. It wasn't easy and I still struggle, but if I can make a difference in someone's life, if I can provide strength and a comforting hand, than I know that I am not suffering in silence and I am not alone.
