You can only be so strong...

Well the good news is that there haven't been any changes since I was admitted to labor and delivery on Tuesday. I also found out today that after 34 weeks, they will no longer attempt to stop my labor. That means no more insane doses of those awful drugs. The bad news is that while I have been here thinking my weeks start over every Friday, my OB's file states they start over every Monday.. Only a few days difference right? 4 days seems like an eternity when you are this pregnant!! lol

I met with the head of the IHC NICU today.  She was actually a lot nicer in person than what she seemed like over the phone. And that is even with her having been at the hospital for like 32 hours so far! Poor, poor woman. I was very grateful that she was willing to take some time and meet with me. We went over my birth plan and talked in depth about what different measures were available, and where I wanted to draw the line with Adrian. She helped walk me through what it would be like for the delivery, and we even talked about what to expect with Audrina. The nice thing about IHC is they have delivery rooms that are connected to the NICU. They actually have a window that they will simply pass the babies through once they are born. On the other side they are able to have all their tools and machines, as well as their full staff in one place. While it will still be chaotic, there will be some sense of organization versus having tons of doctors running around the delivery room. She has offered to draft up a letter that details what we talked about today and our wishes for Adrian's care. This way no matter who is working, everyone should be on the same page. Also, she plans to call and talk with my OB to make sure she understands what we talked about today as well. I think I have finally talked to everyone that will or could be involved in the birth of these twins, so now we wait.

You would think with all this planning and research that eventually you would find yourself at a point that things are ok. Yet some days I feel like the more information I have, the harder the decisions become, and the more lost I feel. I prepare myself for these meetings and for the most part I do ok, but there is always a point where I just break down. There is always more information to learn and more decisions to be made. Hard decisions. Decisions no parent should ever have to make. And just when I think I have figured it all out and have come to terms with those decisions, something else comes along- a little more information to consider, another decision I have to make. I always joke with people that making a pregnant woman go through all this is just wrong. The situation is already undeniably hard, but you throw in those pregnancy hormones and one is likely to lose their mind. At some point I think you have to just trust that you have done all you can and let the future unfold. You can plan yourself to death, but the reality is there is still so many "unknowns". You have to have faith that you have done all you can and that the decisions you have made were the right ones. If not you most certainly will go crazy. And I don't mean the "ha ha" crazy... I mean the "lock you up and throw away the key" crazy. I think what worries me the most are the what if's. There really is no way to truly plan for the possible and likely death of your child. At some point you have to let go and trust that you have done all you can. And let me tell you that is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.